My fingers are broken... and I mean really BROKEN.. No joking or whatsoever... I am crying few minutes ago and was wondering what my parents reaction will be when they finally saw me....
...........dead. and not just dead.... STONE, COLD DEAD.

I'm morbid again, I know. I had this huge fight once again with my bro.

And you know what?? -----my dreams after all can really come true... I said before... I WANT to die.... and earlier or should i say, a few moments ago.... He really wanted to kill me...

to the point that he banged his fist more than 3 times in my back...

Tried to pin me in the wall so I could suffocate.

threw objects.

Slapped and puched me.

tried to throw me out of the room.


I know.... I should be dead.... but you know, I was VERY stupid...

It was all because of my stupid pride that I didn't die. [hey! it rhymes!]-- uh.. whatever.
and because I tried to fight back... I ended up... very much ALIVE... though I'm suffering from minor injuries like broken fingers, bruises and popped lips (don't ask!).

You know... Shit! I'm starting to cry again...

You know how I feel right now?? I feel so low, pathetic and unloved... I hate this!! YOu know what I feel right now?? my family doesn't love me. They never did. They always leaves me alone and makes me cry. They told me I was really stupid... A waste of their time... a mistake!!! everything!!!

this is not my fault.

If you asked me.... i really love them.... but too bad... I guess loving your family members is a one way process in my case.

Sorry if I don't make any sense and this entry's full of grammatical error and spelling mistake... Can't help it... my fibngers are broken!

Anyway, You know what makes me so damn depressed today??

It is the fact that my condition's getting worst.

My heart problem and my fractured jaw.

I could feel a small lump in my jaw... and its getting really painful to talk. My heart constantly hurts whenever I'm stressed out and whenever they make me cry...

But hey! Guess what I realized just now....

MY FAMILY MEMBER'S DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE.... THEY MIGHT NOT SEE ME ANY LONGER.

I guess prayers does work....

.... for them that is....

 

If only suicide wasn't a crime... or I mean, crime in heaven... I probably would've got a gun, or stock a lot of pills in my mouth and drink it all in one gulp, or hang myself... or buy a gun and shoot myself in the middle of the forehead..., or drink poison or acid... or let someone drive the car fast and hit me hard until there's no pain in my heart., or just bury me alive... suffocate myself...

If I only I didn't love God... or ever feared the lord... believe me, This very screwed up person who is writing this thing at this very moment, well... pretty much have done, well, not all but at least 2 of those suicide thing on top...

Though I did tried to kill myself once or twice... and my method of killing myself is not included on top.

well, first, I tried to jump out of the terrace.

--but then again, I didn't want people to see me as a bloody dead person...

so I tried another one... cutting my wrist...